In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

In the Name of God, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. No, seriously. Don't see it.

What's that, you say? It's Jason Statham? Yes, but he's SLEEPWALKING. And he does some kick-ass fighting, but that seems to be the only time he's half awake.

What about John-Rhys Davies? The sadness in his puppy dog eyes speaks volumes. In fact I think I heard him say as he was riding a horse around "Remember when I got shrunk to dwarf size and had prosthetics slapped on my face for Peter Jackson? Remember how much more fabulous New Zealand was over Croatia? Good times...good times.

If you tell me that Burt Reynolds was a factor in considering this film, I kill you dead. Seriously, Burt doesn't look too bad, but that facelift looks better when he's laying down. He should have been laying down for the whole film, because his face looked very squished when he wore a helmet. Oh, and the hair dye for the beard and brows has to go (Thanks to Christian for noticing that little detail).

Hmm? Oh, you were jazzed about Claire Forlani and Leelee Sobieski? They were not jazzed about doing this movie. My comrades in torture mused whether there were any AA meetings needed after the film wrapped, because we think that alcoholics were born on set, trying to numb the pain of their lines with the sweet nectar of a few flowers. Leelee looks drugged, and poor Claire looks very distressed to be so far away from a day spa. I hope the paychecks were good.

Okay, lets face some facts, people. UWE BOLL. Do I have to say anything else? At least Matthew Lillard as a fey Duke had some fun on screen, but honestly, it was painful for me to think that Ron Perlman, who gets one of those rare chances to be seen onscreen without any makeup or prosthetics is reduced to walking a pig around (okay, it's only for a few minutes, but you get my point).

But wait! Kristanna Lokken is in it! Yeah, as part of the Cirque du Soleil troupe living in the trees. "We stay out of the affairs of men." As one of our filmgoing gang noted, "Their non-pacifism confused me." Meaning, they were all like "Get the heck out of our forest, Jason Statham and Ron Perlman and that other guy with dreadlocky hair and don't bother us...we're all girl power and stuff and boys are icky." And then by the end of the movie they were all like "yeah, okay you lived through two-thirds of the movie and even though the weirdo people controlled by Ray Liotta in his personal fog machine didn't bother us PERSONALLY, we'll like, throw in and help you out and stuff, because, you know, what the hell, right?"

Ninjas! I kid you not. There. Were. NINJAS.

*sigh* Yes, I just mentioned Ray Liotta, but there's a special place in film hell waiting for poor Ray. Imagine "Goodfellas" Ray for a second. Yeah...young, cute, piercing blue eyes, world on a platter. Okay, now Ray in this film...imagine, face-lifted, macking on Leelee (I audibly cried "Ew!" when he kissed her full on the mouth with what is left of his lips), and stockholder in the wind machine/dry ice companies. Oh but the blue eyes are still awesome.

Let's see...what am I missing? Oh yeah. The movie is about a Dungeon Siege, right? By my count, the actual siege of the dungeon is done by 4 people. Who all go in separately! Apparently they had to wait about five minutes after someone else would go in. I don't know if the place was at capacity and one more person being in there would violate some fire codes, but it must have been a pretty strict rule to keep them going in solo.

Let's talk battle strategy for a second. Okay, you as a powerful magic guy *Ray Liotta I'm looking at you* control a mindless army of Orcs...I mean, Krugs, and you outnumber the good guys about 4 to 1. But, you are in front of a dungeon. Catapults, fiery stuff, lots of manpower. Okay, so you've got to charge uphill. Bummer, right? But you still have like a gazillion Krugs, so no problem right? At what point in military strategy is it ever a good idea to make it rain on your army? Because then your mindless dudes, who, I think it's already pretty well implied DON'T HAVE ANY BRAINS OF THEIR OWN, start sliding backward on mud.

Okay, so magic dude isn't a brilliant military strategist. But what about our plucky army, sitting pretty at top of hill in the rain? You know, it'd be awesome to give up your position by charging down the hill toward the idiots scrabbling through the mud so you can die faster.

Now, why am I telling you all this? Because the palette of the film and the camerawork make it neigh impossible to figure out just what the heck you are watching at any given moment. During well choreographed fight scenes (or at least the ones that appear to be pretty good) Uwe and his DP apparently have ADD and don't want us to enjoy the skill and mastery in the fighting, because suddenly, in the middle of the scene, the camera will swing around wildly, barely tracking the action as if one of them said "hey, point the camera over there! I think I saw a Leprechaun!" And those are the scenes that are in focus.

Still not convinced? If you can endure the 2 hour 7 minute run time (supposedly we are denied another half hour of this greatness due to us being Americans -- those lucky Germans!) then you will be treated to the best rock songs ever written for a medieval fantasy film. Seriously epic.

This movie is full of FAIL. Lots of it. It isn't even a so bad it's funny film, it's a so bad it's really bad and kind of painful film.

If you have a death wish, or perhaps are trying to sleep for two hours (inadvisable due to noisy clashing of swords) by all means, this is your movie.

But, seriously, just don't. Okay? For me? 'Kay Thx Bai

There Will Be Blood

I'm going to get a lot of heat for this review as it's not all butt kissy like all the reviews (I've not really read but inferred from) and critical praise TWBB has been getting. I liked it, but I was a bit "meh" about the whole 2 hour 38 minute affair.

Good points:

• Daniel Day Lewis's accent and intricate performance.


• That mute kid from LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE gets to talk in this one - and sometimes LOUDLY!


• Capitalism is King!


• That beatnik guy from PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED can still get work and was all thin and wirery and good.


• Daniel Day Lewis gets to kill people and be all "I'm better and smarter than you and I control who lives and who dies!"


• The guy (not Thom York)from Radiohead did the musical score.


• It's sorta like GIANT.
  

Stuff that bugged me:

• Very few, if any, memorable female characters featured at all in the film. Not that I'm a feminist, but would a Maureen O'Hara fiery red head type have KILLED anyone?
  
• Lewis' evil capitalist pig character who gives financial sermons to the uneducated masses before buying out their land juxtaposed with a minister who sermons to the uneducated masses is a MUCH more interesting way into those characters and full of conflict. However we're never given the scene where the minister shows up to preaches the dangers of the oil mine (or whatever you call it) to his flock. We're meant to believe it's a wink wink inside struggle between only these two. Where was the rest of the town? It's hard to believe a tight knit Christian community wouldn't stand together in solidarity against Lewis and his men.


• Daniel Day Lewis' character goes from 0 to 60 in terms of bi-polar behavior. One minute he's Charles Foster Kane building his empire and leaving the masses in his wake, the next a tender surrogate father who rescues his would be son from an oily geyser, only to transform again into a monster who mocks his deaf fake son. I'm all good with layered characters who aren't JUST good and JUST bad, but come on! The fine line between lunacy and lucrative was blurred and unfairly justified.


• The musical score, albeit cool and David Byrne like, at times was confused and built to a bombastic frenzy only to end with something as soft and subtle on screen as a child sleeping. The music kept bringing me to a boil and then going, "oh wait, never mind, that action scene is later, carry on."


• It was sorta like GIANT, but lacked a traditional narrative and only a handful of story lines to follow (rather than the kitchen sink approach).

Now, don't get me wrong, this is a good movie. It will wins lots of awards and continue to put Paul Thomas Anderson and Daniel Day Lewis to work. This movie makes up for Magnolia for me - sorry if you thought that was the end all be all, but I still can't sit through that movie for more than the beginning and the frog shower end. However, it's not without its story flaws, which, for the most part give me the notion that Anderson has no one giving him notes at the studio level. If you're going to give these writer/directors free reign, that's to be expected, but as the great T.S Elliot said, ""Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."

As the imaginary creative exec on this project, amongst the aforementioned items, I would have also suggested we see more of the outside world in the final 40 minute sequence. When the newly married deaf son comes back to Lewis and suggests he might like to start his own business. Show don't tell! I'd have given my left arm to see a shot that matched Lewis's opening scene mining solo, but now his son, digging away in Mexico. Only here we have hope that not only has the "son" learned how to run a business, he's learned how NOT to run an empire. Like father, like son, think about it won't you? In other words, Orson Wells felt it was more important to show Xanadu towering over us from a distance rather than keep us in the stately bathroom.

Go give it a whirl, if you're lucky enough to live in a town playing this rather arthouse piece. If not, Netflix it and enjoy the plethora of extras that will no doubt accompany the disc explaining the dangers of oil for money and how this was really an allegory for the greedy Bush administration. Only, wouldn't it be safer to drill in Alaska where very few people live to be bought out and killed by "the man"? No, you're right, let's continue to allow rich Saudi debutants live their debaucherous lives in the Hollywood nightclubs via our Shell Station contribution to their expense accounts. Woah, sorry for the political diatribe, back to happy fun time movie riffing to help bridge the red and blue gap back to a pretty purple.

Sweeney Todd

This film starred Johnny Depp. Nuff said.

OK OK, AND it was directed by genius extraordinaire Tim Burton.

Still need more reasons to see it? Sigh. You people are tearing me apart!!!

Sweeney Todd is not a musical, but rather, an operetta since it's more narrative and character building in it's musical numbers instead of "Go Go Go Greased Lightning". It's a dark foreboding tale of mistaken identities, unabashed revenge, and cleavage. I'm positive that were I to push my chesticles up to my neck I too could sing notes in the uppermost of range that would make Mr. Sondheim proud. Never fear, the men are squeezed down below where the costume designers had a field day with inseams and prosthetics.

Aside from bulges and lyrics, the overall look of the film is downright Burtonesque. Not since Merry Poppins has there been this much soot and dropping of "h's". It's dark and dirty look only helps highlight the disgusting secrets hiding out in the barber/pie shop. Depp and H.B. Carter are a match made in pasty heaven and their chemistry and chops help move the story at times even more than the whirlwind soundtrack. Alan Rickman is pitch perfect in his all too practiced upper class snobbery. And then there's the romance. To me, this is where the movie falls short.

I believe Burton was burdened with having to cut a great deal from the original musical and in turn lost the "so what" factor in the young lovers romance. The love songs are beautiful, but with little to no dialogue between them, we're meant to catch onto their love at first sight affair and care. (look out I'm starting to rhyme) Problem was that I didn't. Depp and H.B. Carter are far more interesting and anti-romantic and overshadow the fresh faced youngsters. By the end, I was hoping the two would die Romeo and Juliet style making for some great pies that would last at least a week.

If you were able to sit through John Travolta's obnoxious, indeterminate, and fluctuating accent in HAIRSPRAY, you should have no problem enjoying perfected British accents and a bit of fakey blood splatter. In fact, HAIRSPRAY would have been a great title for SWEENEY TODD in reference to the after effects his close trims give his customers. I'm here all week, enjoy the buffet.

Julie's Top Ten of 2007

I saw a handful more movies than Shawna did this year, but here's my list of my monkey paw picked favorites (#1 also being favoritest).

10. Lars and the Real Girl
9. The Darjeeling Limited
8. Zodiac
7. Juno
6. Waitress / Eagle vs. Shark (tie)
5. Sweeney Todd
4. Hot Fuzz
3. 300
2. The Assassination of Jesse James...
1. No Country For Old Men

I give Enchanted an honorary mention for being the feel good family movie of 2007.

Shawna's top ten of 2007

Now, let's be clear -- these would be the top ten films I ACTUALLY SAW in 2007. Julie saw a lot more films than I did, so her list will probably be better. Still, I saw more than 10 movies in a theater (23 to be exact -- my fewest in probably 15 years), so it has to count for something...

Okay, from 10 to 1 (1 being the best film I saw in 2007):

10. Grindhouse
9. Sunshine
8. Enchanted
7. The Bourne Ultimatum
6. Gone Baby Gone
5. 300
4. Waitress
3. Sweeney Todd
2. Hot Fuzz
1. Ratatouille

Honorable mentions: Atonement and 28 Weeks Later.

1/2 UPDATE - Somehow I completely forgot about "Eagle vs. Shark". I would probably swap it for #8 and push 'Grindhouse' off the list to honorable mention status.

I'm Not There...

...I wish. This was by far the most pretentious piece of cinema I've ever seen. Far be it from me to rain on everyone's turtleneck and beret parade, but I couldn't stand 5 minutes of this film let alone the 135 minutes of self absorbed run time.

Let me put it this way. This movie made me feel like having an argument with a 4 year old child.

"Tommy, did you eat your cereal?"
"PINK ELEPHANTS!!"
"No Tommy, the cereal did you eat it?"

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

"OK. Never mind, you win."

It was how I imagine a trendy loft party in Soho would feel like. I walk in and am immediately stared down by a circle of intellectual snobs complete in turtlenecks and black rimmed glasses. After giving me a good scoffing, they turn their noses back to their original discussion: Jane Austen vs. Emily Dickinson aka Pride and Prejudice? Then I feel weird and stupid and unwelcome and just want to leave. Oh wait, pretty much how I felt the entirety of the movie!

Sometimes I feel like I should be more worldly, more exposed to the art and thoughts around me. So I made the mistake of linking artistic to modern and ended up at the Modern Art Museum one day. There I stood in front of two by fours with a piece of hanging wire glued onto it and, if I was lucky, a stripe of color painted down the middle. Oh and what's that? A Pepsi can tacked to a cardboard box? Uchk. I hate pretentious modern art and I hate ostentatious modern art indie film. Enter, I'M NOT THERE.

I did little research going into the film. I stupidly thought that it was a Bob Dylan biopic in the vein of WALK THE LINE, but turned on it's head a little by the addition of a chick playing Dylan and maybe a few other misanthropes portraying him at various ages. Nope, that's the evil studio version that could have made a fortune and have been the catalyst for throngs of teenagers downloading old Dylan tracks. But alas, Todd Haynes threw caution (and logic) to the wind and said "Screw you guys, I'm making a thought provoking tour de force and I don't care if anyone gets it or not!" Well congratulations Todd, I didn't.

Where the film tries to be symbolic and poetic it's confusing and frustrating. What the heck is a blue whale doing in the film eating the little black kid? Why were none of the versions of Dylan even allowed to be called BOB DYLAN? Why were there documentary style talking head interviews that not only confused the through line, but pulled the film to a dead halt every single time? I can't go on. I seriously don't care and I was seriously annoyed at the end of the movie.

I sat through the entire thing, just waiting, just hoping that eventually they'd wrap it all up to a concise and realistic/actual ending - 'where's Bob today' sort of thing. Sorry, Todd couldn't be bothered.

At least when I watch the tripped out movies HEAD or THE WALL they have an understandable narrative, main characters, and an exciting and fun soundtrack. I'M NOT THERE had the soundtrack.

Enchanted

So Shawna and I got to see a freebie screening of ENCHANTED at the less than enchanting early morning hour of 9am. Shut up, I know 9am isn't early but it's early when you have to get there hours before just to ensure you can beat out a bunch of 6 year olds in line behind you. Our moods couldn't be darkened by even the nosiest of babies crying, talking, whining, seat kicking during the flick - which should basically be enough to tell you we enjoyed it.

Disney has had the stranglehold on the princess market for years now so it's no surprise they felt compelled to grace us with another Halloween costume idea (that we'll no doubt be able to purchase around June '08 for our youth). Not that I have a problem with that whatsoever. Thank God for people who still want young girls to play dress up and play make believe. And although I don't consider myself a feminist, I'm proud to see they took the helpless princess myth (they had a hand in creating) and turning it on it's head for once. Little girls don't necessarily need KILL BILL to show them how to be a strong and independent woman, so it's nice to see they have something in their age range that doesn't smack of apologetic either.

If you haven't seen JUNEBUG, go rent it and feel free to avoid most of the movie and just watch the parts featuring Amy Adams. It's practically her demo reel showcasing her ability to love furry animals, be awed by everything, and her uncanny talent to make everyone around her want to be a better/nicer person. She's incredible at being naive, and more importantly, at just being a good person. She makes the perfect princess and does so without being shrill, precious, or annoying.

There homages left and right, so read the insider Disney blogs before you go to know which receptionist in the movie did the voice for Belle and who was Ariel. Not that any of that matters in the grand scheme of things, but it does make for a little LOST like adventure while you sit.

Although intrigued by ENCHANTED, I did have a few "wha?" moments like why not more Susan Sarandon - in human form she was much more threatening than her cartoon self. Like SPLASH there's a great deal of suspension of disbelief, which I'll go with any day if executed well, however, there wasn't a trace of courage to be found in attempting to flesh out some of the mythology in the film. HOW can a cartoon go from their world to ours? WHY does it have to be in a sewer hold in the middle of NYC? WHY can't an evil witch queen find a way to stop her Prince kid from following the would-be princess? HOW does he know how to get there? And I could go on and on, but again, they didn't HAVE to answer these questions, the movie works without having to, so easy out!

Stop being a self loathing sarcastic shell for a few hours and go see a fun, colorful, smart, and sweet Disney movie that the whole family (literally for once) can enjoy. Afterwards I guarantee you'll be smiling, letting a car cut in front of you on the way out of the parking deck, and it might take at least 2 hours before you fall victim to the sour grapes reality that we all unfortunately, easily melt into.