Drillbit Taylor

I tried very hard to watch this movie with the mindset of my pre-teen's - every sarcastic comeback is probably hilarious that I'd be using by week's end, and every scene with the adults was no doubt boring, but slightly entertaining. This worked for the most part, but even at 13 I would have noticed the eerily similar plot structure and tone that DRILLBIT TAYLOR has in common with SCHOOL OF ROCK. Let me share the similarities:

In School of Rock, Jack Black pretends to be a substitute teacher.

In Drillbit Taylor, Owen Wilson pretends to be a substitute teacher.

In School of Rock, Jack is using the kids for his own rockstar purposes.

In Drillbit Taylor, Owen is using the kids for his own financial purposes.

In School of Rock, Jack teaches the kids how to play instruments and be a rock band.

In Drillbit Taylor, Owen teaches the kids how to stand up for themselves and self defence.

In School of Rock, Jack uses the quirky false name (albeit his roommate's) of Ned Schneebly.

In Drillbit Taylor, Owen uses the quirky false name of Dr. Ill Bit (I kid you not).

In both films, the kids turn their back on their mentors only to turn around and use their new found knowledge to overcome an obstacle, and eventually forgive their false hero's.

I could go on and on, but I think it's obvious that the framework had been set for DRILLBIT TAYLOR, Owen just had to show up and do his BOTTLE ROCKET/Dupree character again and keep it PG-13. But hey, if it ain't broke...

The kids, on the other hand, were actually funny and genuine - I especially loved the various musical theater t-shirts that Emmet modeled. They felt a bit naive and sweet, which in today's world, is refreshing as the younger generation is always shown as advanced beyond their years and angry.

I'm positive that Apatow and his Rogan disciples have completely no clue about writing strong, realistic female characters. The KNOCKED UP controversy (SHE would never date HIM) can now take a back seat to the hacky placement of Apatow's wife, Leslie Mann, in a decidedly idiotic teacher role. Her entire relationship with Drillbit is based off of her seeing him steal items from the teachers lounge and then immediate chemistry and the unbelievable allowance that she would buy the obviously made up Dr. Ill Bit name. Slapstick aside, perhaps we'd suspend disbelief that this wacked out teacher would like him, let alone, stay with him through a prison sentence were we given ANY sort of introduction to her character beforehand. All the guys are given a proper set up - heck even Danny McBride (who's hillarious) has a bigger character arc than Leslie Mann's character (who's name I can't remember and am not sure they even gave).

A netflix rental for those morbid people who want to see the pre-incident Owen Wilson and try to dissect if this movie had anything to do with said incident. Also a rental for anyone looking for a few cheap laughs and I'm positive a ton of extras that showcase the obviously cut for time material throughout. They did an edit hack job on the third act that I'm not sure even Steve Brill could recognize the remains. As for the theater, go if you're 13, stay home if you're 30.

Semi-Pro

An open letter to Will Ferrell

Dear Will,

This is not an easy letter for me to write. You know how much I love you. I heart your brand of wacky humor more than I love a Venti Latte. And that's a lot. But now, I think you are hurting yourself. Now, I don't have a problem per se' with you tackling one high concept character after another, surrounding yourself with other comedic geniuses and tossing in meager story, just for kicks. But your new film, "Semi-Pro" takes this to a whole new level, and I'm not sure you even bothered with the story this time.

You play Jackie Moon, a strange entrepreneur with a bizarre "hit" single "Love Sexy" (which gets played no less than 5 times in the course of the film). Jackie buys a lesser team of the ABA, the Flint Tropics and becomes the owner/coach/promoter/announcer/player he always dreamed of. If this movie had been about you and your journey, a la "Anchorman" or "Talladega Nights" I don't think I'd have a problem. But, this story isn't about Jackie Moon.

It's about Monix.

Monix -- played by Woody Harrelson, is a washed up bench rider from the NBA, who has a championship ring he never earned, and has a lot to prove. Of course, I got no real introduction to the character...let me rephrase, I got an introduction. Jackie Moon introduces Monix to this Tropics team and basically tells me, the audience "hi, this is a new character, and you don't know this but he's actually the main character, even though you thought it was me. Enjoy the veal."

You can imagine my confusion and consternation when the story suddenly shifted and I wasn't sure who I was supposed to be following.

Will, you are funny. You deserve to be the main character in a movie like this. But in this movie...well, the story was either a distraction from you, or you were a distraction from the story.

I know what you're thinking right now. You want to say "relax, sugar-mammaries, it's just a goofy comedy!" It is a goofy comedy, you're right about that! And there are some high-larious moments, moments as good, and a few even better, than some in previously mentioned films in your oeuvre. The card-playing scene. Bear wrestling. Ridiculous costumed choreography. All fine comedic moments.

But the big question, the one I always ask myself at the end of every film, 'Will I want to watch this over and over again?' I can watch 'Anchorman' a lot. Talladega Nights has some good rewatchability to it. This film...I'm just not sure.

So, while I think you are funny and the film is funny in places, as a movie...it's not so good. Who knows, maybe I'll change my mind someday. I certainly have before -- a movie grows on a person sometimes, just like kudzu. But for now, I think you and I need a break from each other. It's not you, Will. No tears, my cuddly bear toy. I'll never forget the times we've had. The Ron Burgundy, Frank the Tank, Ricky Bobby fun of it all. And maybe someday, I'll even revisit Jackie Moon, and think fondly on all this, grateful that I gave us another chance.

Until then, stay strong. And classy, San Diego.

The Oscarzzzzzz

Get it!?! I added "z's" instead of an "s" cause it's like trying to tell you that the show was boring and I made me sleepy, like when I had a cartoon bubble filled with zzzzzzzzzzz's above my head! It's funny! Just like The OsBores! I could have went with Osbores, so you're welcome!! meh.

I just wanted to voice my extreme happiness that Marion Cotillard won the Best Actress award for her AMAZING portrayal of Edith (in French pronounced strangely Eeedit) Piaf. Even though we here at SisterCritics are tough on the films we see, I'm all for giving credit where it's due, and she deserved that award plus all of Angelina Joile's roles in the future.

Also I wanted to voice my disappointment in seeing American troops showboated in a live feed to announce the anti-war nominated documentaries. Did anyone else feel slimy after that? Heck, even the winners of the award gave the stinkeye to the "fierce" soldier (don't ask don't tell) who announced them. Pro-war or Anti-war, supporting the troops is wholly American and a given, so the haughty Hollywood norm of polite applause was disgusting and disappointing.

As for the low viewership, perhaps that could be fixed by simply NOT showing us hours of clips of old Oscar footage. It only makes us pine for the days Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne were genuinely touched to get an award and the women dressed to impress, not to make the Blackwell list. I'm adamant that younger audiences SHOULD see every old movie possible, but here's a hint Gil Cates - Miley Cyrus alone does not the 13-18 demographic make.

Finally, enough of John Stewart hosting the awards. He's boring, he makes faces instead of jokes, and used to host Short Attention Span Theater on Comedy Central back in the day (reason enough). Ryan Seacrest would do a more sufficient job of keeping the show going. Did anyone see the Indie Spirit Awards? Rainn Wilson killed on that mock Oscars show, why not get him? I'd even prefer Ellen again before having to endure John Stewart's Wii playing filler again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for the Oscars telecast having watched it every year I can remember. This year Shawna and I even had a party and made up little snacks like "Humble Apple Pie" for Atonement, Milkshakes for There Will Be Blood, and Burgers for the hamburger phone in Juno (a stretch but we needed sustenance). So as long as Hollywood is ready to pat itself on the back, I'll do my due diligence to to show up on my couch with snax and sweatpants dreaming of the day I can be there thanking my parents for not putting me in a mental institution for wanting to be in this crazy industry.

Rambo

Rambo stars two of my favorite leads - Muscles and Bullets. The death count is somewhere around 236 kills for the short one hour 33 minutes. That's somewhere around 3 deaths per minute - Muscles and Bullets were probably very underpaid for the amount of work produced.

Some people are whinning that there's no story in this Rambo - WHAT? Did no one see the AFRICAN QUEEN? In homage fashion, Rambo, like Humphrey Bogart, is a loner who scoffs at the religious blonde missionary, but is convinced to take her and her crew downriver on his rickety boat. In true Bogart fashion, Rambo isn't about to let the woman down and saves her butt at every given moment even with the other Aryan skinny missionary men give him the stink eye. Rambo doesn't take threats well, but still manages to save the world and probably stop a war (like the vigilante Hepburn and Bogart) and save all their hinders in the end. So, erm, last I checked, helping blonde missionaries and killing bad guys was PLENTY of story, thankyouverymuch.

Ramafrican Queen aside, there's a great deal of rambling "Nothing changes" speeches, exploding heads, I'm guessing mosquitos, and rain. So something for the whole family pretty much. Kudos to Stallone who showed the real horrors of Burma. I seriously don't do well in those humid climates and I'm guessing, language aside, there's not much I have in common with the Burmese people other than that wicker rattan papasan chair I bought at Pier One. So in order to show my solidarity with stopping genicide in Burma, I boycot anything Burma and will only go visit if Stallone promises to carry me piggyback the whole time. Fair?

Obviously, not for kids or anyone who barfs at the sight of blood and people's throats being ripped out - BY RAMBO HAND! Do see it if you want to feel superior to a third world country and can enjoy a great, and simple, 80's style action flick.

Atonement

So this one time, I was late to a lunch and I felt soooo sorry, and I just kept apologizing over and over again, but the person I was meeting was so irate, they were like, "whatever, just be on time next time, ok?" I took that to mean I was forgiven, but I sooo wasn't.

So then, like, the *next* time I was late, the person was like, "seriously, do you own a watch?" Clearly I was not forgiven. Sheesh.

Of course, all of this is minutae compared to the humongous error made by a kid in "Atonement" which leads to prison, war, marriage, death...I mean, who knew? Fortunately for me, none of my transgressions of tardiness led to anyone going to jail or being in a war. Then again, I also haven't had the opportunity to indulge in a 5 minute tracking shot of Dunkirk. My life was a little empty until I saw that.

Keira Knightley needs to eat some pie. In fact, I'm thinking of going down to Marie Callender's right now and ordering her one of everything. The girl is a stick figure! At least when she was in "Bend it Like Beckham" she had muscle tone. Now she looks like she could break in half if she were standing in the way of her former soccer (sorry, football) playing self from a few years ago. I will say though, she's got pouty expressions down to a science.

And who knew Mr. Tumnus would be so hot? Actually, several people I know were like, "duh, James McAvoy is the hottest thing ever!" so it was apparently just me who didn't know the utter hotness of Hottie McHotterson.

And clearly Saoirse Ronan, the aforementioned kid with bad eyesight is awesomely good. If she wasn't the film would suck, but she's actually a good child actress, so yay for Saoirse.

I didn't read the book (Books bad! Movies good!) so I have no opinion on how this treats the source material, but I didn't hear too much whining as we left the theater, so it must have been okay.

The movie is very beautiful and it's nominated for lots of awards, so that means it must be good. Because I believe everything I read from other people.

Well, I liked it...I wouldn't say it's a laugh a minute -- it's a drama. You get what you pay for.

Oh and I don't care if you don't like this review. I'm not apologizing for it.

The Savages

Dysfunctional families are the bread and butter of quirky dramas. THE SAVAGES doesn't disappoint in this department. Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney play siblings who are both screwed up in their own special ways. To make matters worse, they now have to deal with their father who is suffering dementia, and they face the tough choice of putting him in a nursing home.

It's a downer of a movie at times, no doubt about it. And seeing the scenes of Buffalo, NY in the winter just added to the sense of hopelessness. But the film is worthwhile, not only for the performances, but for what it says about the importance of family.

Here at SisterCritics, family is very important. I felt a real kinship to Laura Linney as she tries to help her brother (Hoffman) with a neck injury. I'm always fixing Julie's neck, and she tells me I should become a massage therapist. Apparently I have "magic fingers".

Living with an adult sibling is an interesting experience. It's like even though you are both older and more mature, there's still this little conditioned Pavlov's Dog part of you that reacts to words/actions of your sibling as if you were both squabbling kids again. This often happens with Julie and I when our discussions about doing the dishes or cleaning the floors turn into American Gladiator-like struggles for dominance.

I usually lose. Just like old times.

But I digress. Fortunately, my sister and I are not faced with horrifying decisions like whether to put our aged parents into a nursing home. Our parents are lively and young, and I wouldn't be surprised if we have to go into some kind of assisted living situation before they do. Hmm, perhaps we are already in assisted living and no one told us....

Right, so "The Savages". Was disappointed that Fred Savage wasn't in the movie. Also not happy that "Macho Man" Randy Savage was not in the film, as I think he would have been a good explanation for Hoffman's neck injury. Seriously, I totally buy the whole 'cousin Randy beat me up again' excuse.

But if I could return to the point of all this, 'The Savages' is a solid, well made film. Good script, good direction and a satisfying film. In its stark honesty there are the moments of levity, which keep you from wanting to jump off a bridge, and it is the humor drawn from the true to life that resonates.

It's good. Go see it. Just don't expect any professional wrestlers or child stars.

Cloverfield

So I've been anxiously awaiting the release of this movie forever. And when I say forever I mean, since I heard about it, which seems like forever ago. One of the few highlights/perks about living in LA has got to be the Mann's Chinese Theater. Not only did we get to see a sold out show with hundreds of other die hards, but there were celebs in attendance! Edgar Wright (director of SHAUN OF THE DEAD), Eli Roth (director of CABIN FEVER) and Diablo Cody (Writer of JUNO) were seen hanging out and saving seats. Also, just two rows behind us - that guy who played Tom Jeter from STUDIO 60! So beat that crappy AMC somewhere in the middle of Illinois! Ahem, but the real stars of the night were sitting in the seats next and behind us - the Bad Robot crew themselves! Shawna and I were invited by my friend (also the Associate Producer - ooh la la!) to join a bunch of them to see the film together. So what was already panning out to be the best evening ever was enhanced by our geek estrogen in love with all of these guys. I can't tell you the little hints and secrets here and there that we were privy to, but needless to say, all of these guys are cool and uber talented.

So the movie. Oh first - we got to see the STAR TREK trailer which rocked - a very origin story feeling with shots of the Enterprise at the futuristic Midas getting it's brake pads repaired. But again, I digress. The movie. Although some may get overly dizzy from motion sickness (ahem, my boyfriend), some of us were unfazed by the shaky cam and too enthralled with the death and destruction to be bothered. However, I was disturbed by one glaring problem with the film - The monster has feelings too people!

I mean, he gets shot down by a meteorite (watch for it in the end) not only onto a strange new planet, but in downtown Manhattan - of course he was scared! Are we supposed to judge his erratic behaviour as anything more than what Britney Spears gets away with on any given afternoon on the Los Angeles freeways? The monster was simply trying to get back to the apartment building of the girl of his dreams. He just got a bit lost in between all the similar looking architecture and skyscrapers! This is really a story of two men on the search for love - one man, one monster, one woman. At the end, when finally almost back to Central Park, the stupid human man gets to the girl first when we all know the monster could have easily pulled her out of the toppling building with much more efficiency and safety. And then there's the military - back off ok? I'm pretty sure you guys were just making it worse. A slew of projectile missiles went veering into the buildings no where near the GIANT monster - where did you guys learn to aim? And besides, you're just ticking him off, literally! All those little tick like monsters that fell off - they were not happy either I'm sure. So when we all sit and cheer for the demise of a poor little monster stuck in the middle of a congested city, I think we all need to stop and reanalyze our priorities.

But in all seriousness this movie is a great fun super ride that is short and sweet and full of scares! It even features great homages (intentional?) to GHOSTBUSTERS when the small group walk 30 some odd flights of stairs to reach one of their would be girlfriend's apartments. There were 22 flights to be exact in GHOSTBUSTERS, but the exhaustion was no doubt similar. The monster was destroying New York willy nilly in the same vein of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man, only lacked the grin and a sailor boy hat - actually he was pretty grumpy and accessory free.

All in all, a great Monster movie from the fleeing hoard perspective. Take a Dramamine, get some popcorn, and just sit back and enjoy the ride.